Mentally you're not well. I know that.
If waking up with a panic attack so extreme that it leaves you unable to breathe is anything to go by.
I've researched all over to try and help, but it's medically proven that no one can explain why night terrors occur. In what state of mind does one have to be in to see a mate sleeping in the same room get violently stabbed to death? In what state of mind must one be in that it takes said mate over 20 minutes to wake you up from your panicking terror? What is happening inside your head.
They say not to try wake a person during a night terror episode, because they freak out. But also not to wake them because sometimes they can unknowingly attack their partner, or anyone who interferes with them.
Would they deploy you to Afghanistan if they knew about your ever-worsening nighttime panic attacks?
They would if they knew nothing about it.
You have only willingly told me.
And anyone else unfortunate to enough to wake up to your fearful hysteria.

We teetered on the edge of break up recently. You were dealing with just so much shit you couldn't deal with it. Couldn't deal with being away from me. Couldn't handle the persistent paranoid thoughts of me being with someone else. I don't even think about it. You know that. I know you trust me. But everything got to much. The mental pressure you were so obviously under made you a different person. You cracked. To you, something had to give - to you, that was me. You said it wouldn't make you happier. You said it would maybe help you focus on your intense training. You said it wasn't because you wanted to get with anyone else. You said it was because I was always on your mind that you were distracted and distant from your work.
I let you think.
I didn't want to "convince" you into anything - while I was devastated at your sudden approach toward me, I knew deep down you didn't want me gone. You were still telling me you loved me, but you just couldn't deal with everything right now.
You must have realized leaving me was not going to help your situation. Only hinder if anything.
You snapped out of it and now still you continue apologize for your mental state of mind.

You're home next week for just over 10 days.
While I'm stoked about that. You also told me if you get into alpha company as a top recruit you could get deployed to Afghanistan as soon as next October. Chances are high.

I hate being so independent. In the beginning I missed you terribly and cried most night. Now I just feel so used to not having you around. Your absence so long that I've had to learn to live without you. I feel I can without much difficulty. It sounds harsh but its the truth. I feel myself forgetting what we had. When you do some back I feel I have to warm up to your presence again, get used to being in one another's space for the short period of time. Then after just a couple of short days you're gone again. I go back to living without you. Independence. The way I'm used too...

Take Me Away With You.

My Life

I fucking miss you. You're my whole entire life. I never want to lose you. Everyday I'm terrified you will find someone better than me.
I'm a deeply unhappy person. You are the only person who genuinely makes me smile. You're also capable of completely tearing me apart though.

I Hate Love

Leaving By Choice

You want to go back to the army early. After all the weeks apart I finally have you back for 4 days and you want to go back already. You don't know what to do with yourself when no ones telling you what to do. You're bored as fuck because your life is now consumed with the army. Your life is back there - I understand that, I do. But telling me bluntly you just want to go back and leave earlier than you have too? It hurts a bit. I was under the impression you would be thrilled to be back, just do nothing all day, relax. No pre-dawn starts, no sleeping in a foot of snow, no getting orders yelled at you. Forgive me for assuming something so absurd.

I do not, for the life of me understand you. In some respects I feel I don't know you as well as I should. I'm not in your life enough to have that right I suppose.

I don't know about you, I just don't.

The army is breaking you though.

It's changing you.

Don't Wait Forever

• "Just get a plane ticket and go!
• save a bit, sell your car and boost
  I dare you to go to Spain, just go."
  
  
  Those words he said to me completely threw straight back into the "I have no idea where I'm going in life rut", I thought I had it sorted, I had forgotten about Spain, I discarded it as I could never afford it anytime soon since I spent almost $3000 on a professional camera. I was happy I had a short term goal which is rare for me, The goal being I would move down to Christchurch and live with you.
  
  
  "I just don't want to see someone that's keen to go away procrastinate until its to late, while you're young girl, don't wait for the army honestly.
  • I'm going to convince you and make you buy your tickets and then you can thank me wen you get there, cause its way better than a cold shaking piece of ground with no town anymore cause its all destroyed"
  • 
    
    Is he right? don't know but now I'm stuck with this big rain cloud over my head filled with burdens of money and time. It ruins lives. Money and time rules the world. If some doesn't do something/ go somewhere you can almost guarantee they did have the money or time. If I live to be like 50 or something I don't want to look back and know I don't have a significant life story to tell, I want a lifetime experience. I want stories to tell.
    I feel shit now that I've wasted 18 years of my life doing sweet fuck all. I feel stupid spending my days waiting for a boy, you.
    You have to make something of your life, no one is going to do it for you. I don't want to fall in the same generic trap that everyone else has had in my family, The trap of growing up in a small country town, staying there for life and having the same job for over 20 years. More than anything in the world I don't want to settle down like that. I can see my sister is already starting too. Wants to buy a house etc. Quite happy where she is. Her idea of "travel" is going to Australia for a couple of weeks with a friend. No fuck that, I'm quite prepared to jump into a foreign culture where I don't speak the language by myself. Sure someone to share the experience with would be nice but I'm not about to wait around for someone else, cause there is that issue of time I mentioned before. It's a bitch isn't it.
    I do feel like I'm waiting for you and the army and the person I quoted is right, and no that person isn't a family member, because none of my immediate family would ever encourage something as "extreme" as jumping on a plane with no return ticket and actually living life.
    I believe the world is like a book, and if you never travel you only ever read one page.
  
  

Maybe I Miss You

Is it weird that I sprayed the lynx you use on my hand in the super market just to remind me of you?

Is it also weird that I held that hand out of the shower the whole time to ensure it didn't wash off, so I can fall asleep tonight with my hand by my face.

I think I need you back.

Run Away

More than anything I want to runaway and travel the world with you. Forget today's problems and jump into a new culture. Me and you with the world at our feet. I think about this becoming a reality more than I should - I know it couldn't possibly happen. Yet.

I want to lie next to you and sun bathe on the perfect white beaches of the Maldives.

I want to eat chocolate churros and cure a hangover with you in Spain

I want to kiss you in the rain under the imposing arches of the Eiffel Tower in France.

I want to witness the Northern Lights in Norway with you by my side

I want to stand with you and gaze up at Khufu's pyramid in complete awe.

I want to hold your hand and aimlessly wander around Stonehenge, never quite figuring out what it ever was originally.

I want to buy a one-way ticket out of here with you and never return.

Paper Plus Has A Way With Words

Whenever I walk into Paper Plus, it always seems to be playing a song which reminds me of you.

It's almost creepy.

Hopelessly devoted to you.

"Guess mine is not the first heart broken,

my eyes are not the first to cry I'm not the first to know,

there's just no gettin' over you

Hello, I'm just a fool who's willing to sit around

and wait for you

But baby can't you see, there's nothin' else

for me to do I'm hopelessly devoted to you."

On another note I woke up once again last night short of breath in a cold night sweat. Always seems to be when you're in my dreams.

It's True

Love For My Horse

I have to sell my horse to move to Christchurch with you. It breaks my heart.

A simple text from you last night told me you were listening to this song as it makes you think of me.

Cause I don't ever ever wanna see you lonely
Cause your love is something that you just don't push aside
And I'll promise that I'll give you all my lovin'
Girl I'll open up my heart because there's nothing to hide

ooh..oh nothing to hide
ooh..oh nothing to hide
(VERSE 1)
Girl open up your heart and let your love shine through
Cause what's inside you can't deny
Them other guys were schoolin' you
I realize it from the start
All the games played on your heart
Cause I've been watchin' you for so long
The love I witnessed wasn't wrong

(Chorus)
I would never ever wanna see you lonely
cause your love is something that you just don't push aside
And I'll promise I will give you all my lovin'
Girl I'll open up my heart because there's nothing to hide

ooh..oh nothing to hide
ooh..oh nothing to hide

(VERSE 2)
Girl lets just fall in love
And start a family
Cause i know the man above
Made you especially for me
I promise I would give my all
To support your every need
I would sacrifice my life
To fulfill your every dream

(REPEAT CHORUS)

(VERSE 3)
I'd be tossin'
I'd be turnin'
Just feeling all your pain
I say the fire still burnin'
Cause all of remains
I promise we could last forever
I'll never make you cry
I know that we could make it
Cause there's nothing to hide

Cause I don't ever ever wanna see you lonely
Cause your love is something that you just don't push aside
And I'll promise that I'll give you all my lovin'
Girl I'll open up my heart because there's nothing to hide

ooh..oh nothing to hide
ooh..oh nothing to hide

Oh Long Distance

It kills me inside. It really does.

I'm Already There

Excited To See You

I get to pick you up from the airport in the middle of the night in about 3 weeks. Just me. Just me and you.

This Is What I Love About You

Your loyalty to me and everyone or everything that matters to you.

Your strength.

Your generosity.

The way that you always look for and find the positive in everything.

The fact that you know exactly where you are going in life and will do whatever it takes to get there.

Your boldness.

Your gentleness with me.

How you always can make me laugh or smile even at times when I don’t want too.

The fact that you refuse to ever completely grow up.

How you are always kind to animals.

The way you walk and run.

The annoying fact that you are right 90% of the time.

The way you make me feel about myself.

The way you always encourage and believe in me.

The heart-touching things you’ve written for me.

Questions

I have so much questions to ask you.

You just turned everything upside down.

Your now staying all the way in Christchurch after your corp training - On the other bloody Island.

You want me to pack up my life and move down there.

You say jump, I say how high. You knew I'd agree to it.

I asked you what you'd do if I didn't want to - you said you would get release from the NZDF to be with me. Thanks, now this feels like blackmail. I know you didn't mean it that way though.

You have it all sorted down to how you're coming to get me even.

I actually want to go. I'd follow you anywhere.

Damn you for knowing that. I feel like a push over.

I feel bad for going to leave my job. It's a good job.

Looks like I'm going back to riding racehorses in the morning I suppose.

I don't care as long as I'm with you.

What scares me the most though, is what if I move down there to be with you, then you get deployed.

Fucking Army

Fucking Army!... That is all.