I Hate Love

Leaving By Choice

You want to go back to the army early. After all the weeks apart I finally have you back for 4 days and you want to go back already. You don't know what to do with yourself when no ones telling you what to do. You're bored as fuck because your life is now consumed with the army. Your life is back there - I understand that, I do. But telling me bluntly you just want to go back and leave earlier than you have too? It hurts a bit. I was under the impression you would be thrilled to be back, just do nothing all day, relax. No pre-dawn starts, no sleeping in a foot of snow, no getting orders yelled at you. Forgive me for assuming something so absurd.

I do not, for the life of me understand you. In some respects I feel I don't know you as well as I should. I'm not in your life enough to have that right I suppose.

I don't know about you, I just don't.

The army is breaking you though.

It's changing you.

Don't Wait Forever

• "Just get a plane ticket and go!
• save a bit, sell your car and boost
  I dare you to go to Spain, just go."
  
  
  Those words he said to me completely threw straight back into the "I have no idea where I'm going in life rut", I thought I had it sorted, I had forgotten about Spain, I discarded it as I could never afford it anytime soon since I spent almost $3000 on a professional camera. I was happy I had a short term goal which is rare for me, The goal being I would move down to Christchurch and live with you.
  
  
  "I just don't want to see someone that's keen to go away procrastinate until its to late, while you're young girl, don't wait for the army honestly.
  • I'm going to convince you and make you buy your tickets and then you can thank me wen you get there, cause its way better than a cold shaking piece of ground with no town anymore cause its all destroyed"
  • 
    
    Is he right? don't know but now I'm stuck with this big rain cloud over my head filled with burdens of money and time. It ruins lives. Money and time rules the world. If some doesn't do something/ go somewhere you can almost guarantee they did have the money or time. If I live to be like 50 or something I don't want to look back and know I don't have a significant life story to tell, I want a lifetime experience. I want stories to tell.
    I feel shit now that I've wasted 18 years of my life doing sweet fuck all. I feel stupid spending my days waiting for a boy, you.
    You have to make something of your life, no one is going to do it for you. I don't want to fall in the same generic trap that everyone else has had in my family, The trap of growing up in a small country town, staying there for life and having the same job for over 20 years. More than anything in the world I don't want to settle down like that. I can see my sister is already starting too. Wants to buy a house etc. Quite happy where she is. Her idea of "travel" is going to Australia for a couple of weeks with a friend. No fuck that, I'm quite prepared to jump into a foreign culture where I don't speak the language by myself. Sure someone to share the experience with would be nice but I'm not about to wait around for someone else, cause there is that issue of time I mentioned before. It's a bitch isn't it.
    I do feel like I'm waiting for you and the army and the person I quoted is right, and no that person isn't a family member, because none of my immediate family would ever encourage something as "extreme" as jumping on a plane with no return ticket and actually living life.
    I believe the world is like a book, and if you never travel you only ever read one page.
  
  

Maybe I Miss You

Is it weird that I sprayed the lynx you use on my hand in the super market just to remind me of you?

Is it also weird that I held that hand out of the shower the whole time to ensure it didn't wash off, so I can fall asleep tonight with my hand by my face.

I think I need you back.

Run Away

More than anything I want to runaway and travel the world with you. Forget today's problems and jump into a new culture. Me and you with the world at our feet. I think about this becoming a reality more than I should - I know it couldn't possibly happen. Yet.

I want to lie next to you and sun bathe on the perfect white beaches of the Maldives.

I want to eat chocolate churros and cure a hangover with you in Spain

I want to kiss you in the rain under the imposing arches of the Eiffel Tower in France.

I want to witness the Northern Lights in Norway with you by my side

I want to stand with you and gaze up at Khufu's pyramid in complete awe.

I want to hold your hand and aimlessly wander around Stonehenge, never quite figuring out what it ever was originally.

I want to buy a one-way ticket out of here with you and never return.

Paper Plus Has A Way With Words

Whenever I walk into Paper Plus, it always seems to be playing a song which reminds me of you.

It's almost creepy.

Hopelessly devoted to you.

"Guess mine is not the first heart broken,

my eyes are not the first to cry I'm not the first to know,

there's just no gettin' over you

Hello, I'm just a fool who's willing to sit around

and wait for you

But baby can't you see, there's nothin' else

for me to do I'm hopelessly devoted to you."

On another note I woke up once again last night short of breath in a cold night sweat. Always seems to be when you're in my dreams.

It's True

Love For My Horse

I have to sell my horse to move to Christchurch with you. It breaks my heart.

A simple text from you last night told me you were listening to this song as it makes you think of me.

Cause I don't ever ever wanna see you lonely
Cause your love is something that you just don't push aside
And I'll promise that I'll give you all my lovin'
Girl I'll open up my heart because there's nothing to hide

ooh..oh nothing to hide
ooh..oh nothing to hide
(VERSE 1)
Girl open up your heart and let your love shine through
Cause what's inside you can't deny
Them other guys were schoolin' you
I realize it from the start
All the games played on your heart
Cause I've been watchin' you for so long
The love I witnessed wasn't wrong

(Chorus)
I would never ever wanna see you lonely
cause your love is something that you just don't push aside
And I'll promise I will give you all my lovin'
Girl I'll open up my heart because there's nothing to hide

ooh..oh nothing to hide
ooh..oh nothing to hide

(VERSE 2)
Girl lets just fall in love
And start a family
Cause i know the man above
Made you especially for me
I promise I would give my all
To support your every need
I would sacrifice my life
To fulfill your every dream

(REPEAT CHORUS)

(VERSE 3)
I'd be tossin'
I'd be turnin'
Just feeling all your pain
I say the fire still burnin'
Cause all of remains
I promise we could last forever
I'll never make you cry
I know that we could make it
Cause there's nothing to hide

Cause I don't ever ever wanna see you lonely
Cause your love is something that you just don't push aside
And I'll promise that I'll give you all my lovin'
Girl I'll open up my heart because there's nothing to hide

ooh..oh nothing to hide
ooh..oh nothing to hide

Oh Long Distance

It kills me inside. It really does.

I'm Already There

Excited To See You

I get to pick you up from the airport in the middle of the night in about 3 weeks. Just me. Just me and you.