Bullshit

Loved and Lost

I've spent the last 10 years of my life trying to forget the sister I had. I say 10 as if I'm rounding, but the truth is I've blocked out so much of her existence that I cant even remember the year she died. I don't wanna take a stab and say 2000 because I shouldn't even be guessing, it should be imprinted on my brain. I deny she ever happened because it hurts too much to remember what I had and lost. Actually scratch that - That's a shit excuse for forgetting someone ever lived. Ignoring the past is not something I should have done. I remember her birthday. 16th February 1998. She died 16th March. A month after her 3rd birthday. I can work out the years if I tried but I feel so appalled at myself for ever forgetting such a significant date. But I live those two days every year as I would every other day, refusing to acknowledge its immense importance. I feel like the most horrible person ever. What the fuck is wrong with me. She has the most beautiful headstone at the cemetery, but what would I know I haven't been there in years and to make matters worse the I drive past the entrance to it every day. The cemetery is less than one kilometer from my house. I'm truly that much of a terrible person.

I have actually blocked out so much of the passed I absolutely do not remember her being alive. I remember snippets, but they are probably only moments that have been captured on home video. Not actual recollections. Its like I've erased her from my memory. I can't however forget that moment I was taken out of school in the middle of class and was driven to the doctors with my sister, I must have been about 8. I still remember mum breathing those dreadful words "Lucy's died".

My memory goes fuzzy after that - But the image of Dad holding her lifeless pale body in his arms with tears running down his face is an image I cant forget no matter how hard I try. And believe me I've tried.

Amazing Grace played at her funeral.

All the years after her death I would hate having a friend over to my house in fear they would see photos of her and ask questions.

To this day I refuse to tell anyone I had another sister.

Her name still, isn't even uttered in the family without an obvious amount of discomfort.

My younger brother, who was born 2 years after the death of Lucy is a whole 10 years younger than me. 90% of people comment on that when they find out. Its a big age gap apparently. However I never feel the need to inform anyone why. I still even now, don't quite have a good lie for the age gap either.

My only Aunty I have is bed ridden and dying - She suffers from some awful rare chronic fatigue disease that no one in the country can help her with. and she cannot not afford the overseas treatment she needs.

I'm such a heartless bitch I can never seem care so much to send her a text. I never know what to say... "Hey, How are you?" well of course she's not well, what a fucked up question. I know I should physically drive over and see her. It hasn't happened yet and I know I will regret it if I don't go soon.

If I never allow myself to get close to anyone else it wont hurt as much to lose them right? Everyone is dying. If I pull myself away now I will never have to go through that staggering amount of grief that truly ruins ones entire life. It fucks it up so bad.

Yes I cracked. I had the mental breakdown I knew I would have eventually. Although I didn't know all this piece of my past would suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks. I know why it did though.

I was baby sitting tonight up a quiet country road. The sort of road you never pass another car on. Well on the way home not only did I pass a car - I almost had a head on collision with it, and I was completely in the wrong. I have a horrendous habit of cutting corners - including blind corners. I only suffered from a fright thanks to my adequate swerving but it could have gone terribly wrong. Then it dawned on me. Who would actually notice if I died right then and there? to be honest I don't think any one would for along time. Hypothetically lets say everyone one in the other car was killed also - only a passer-by would find me, no one would notice me missing. I think I've finally pushed myself as far as I can away from everyone that ever mattered to me.

These days I never seem to see my Dad and when I do its never for more than 5 minutes, and I tend to avoid my Mum, as we just don't really get along peacefully anymore.

The splitting up of my parents a few months ago has driven everyone to go their separate ways.

Maybe no one wants to get close to anyone cause any one could die at any moment.

Its true. I shouldn't turn my back on the people who care. But I do.

If anyone I know ever reads this - Don't ever mention it to me, because A) I wont even remember writing this by the morning and B) This whole novel has been about denial anyway so I'm only going to lie about this touchy subject some more.

Nothing I Can Do About It

Waking Up

I had a dream about last night. Its odd that I remember it because I never remember dreams.

But I did last night, It was one of those strange dreams where you think its %100 real, and you actually have to take a moment when you wake up to realize it didn't actually happen, even though you could have sworn it did. I was with you again - I only remember snippets of the dream but I remember hugging you and I even remember you smelling amazing. Your just one of those guys that always smell so good. Like when your walking down the street and a random guy you don't know at all, walks past and you catch the short breeze of that enticing scent whatever it be - and for the briefest second you almost feel the urge to follow this stranger. You must always be that stranger to other people.

My Spongebob alarm on my phone woke me up and threw me back into harsh reality. I blinked back into my situation - Saddened for a second, but also knowing I'll get to see you in exactly a week.

Live For The Moment

Question Everything

A Bit Shocking

I'm actually a bit dumbfounded at this.

Now go to the full story to see what this photo is all about. Shocking really.

http://www.designboom.com/weblog/cat/10/view/11233/sebastian-errazuriz-american-kills.html

Love Doesn't Hurt

"Everyone says love hurts, but that is not true. Loneliness hurts. Rejection hurts. Losing someone hurts. Envy hurts. Everyone gets these things confused with love. But in reality love is the only thing in this world that covers up all pain and makes someone feel wonderful again."

No Boundries

Holding Your Breath

Every Rose Has Its Thorn

I realize how good I make you sound in this blog - I mean I think you're amazing. But every rose has its thorns right? You certainly do, no doubt about that - and I mean that in the nicest way possible.

I hate that your so competitive - I learned to stay out of your way if you ever lose a tennis match pretty quick smart. The last tennis tournament I was at with you won every game except for your last match against the top seed. You ignored me for a full 20 twenty minutes after the game was over. Silently beating your self up about how supposedly bad you played. Your actually an amazing tennis player and its a rarity for you to ever lose.

I hate how you have a temper - Last year you broke two $500 tennis racquet's out of frustration for losing/ not playing your best, top of range racquets. World number one Rafael Nadal plays with the exact same racquet. Even though your overly aggressive sometimes, it's never toward me.

I hate that you feel the need to get up out of bed as soon as there gets a slight crinkle in the blanket, and remake the bed from scratch

I hate that your always paranoid about me - about me cheating on you. When you know as well as I know that the thought of doing something so obscene never enters my mind. But it plays havoc in the back of your mind, because if it did happen, your so far away and with little contact you could never do anything about it.

I hate that...umm... no I think that's it.

life

Long Distance Love

I Don't Know What It Is About You

I didn't write this - I'm not that creative when it comes to words. But i loved how true this was so I thought I'd repost it.

"I don’t know what it is about you
That makes me catch my breathe every time you look at me
The nerves that make me shake
Being near your body gives mine this magnetic pull towards you.
What it is about you?

I’ve been in love. I’ve been hurt from it, and I’ve felt like floating on a cloud from it.
I’ve been there. I’ve felt crazy feelings before. And I’ve had my share of “crushes” – but this, this is no childish crush.

I never fall for anyone like this. I’m so guarded. Too guarded. With SO many expectations because I learned that’s what will protect me.

I don’t know what it is about you
But I can’t find a flaw.
Because even your flaws to others, just make you an even more beautiful person to me. You are such a REAL person. You have passion in your soul. So gentle and so powerful at the same time. Your humility is stunning. You are truly a man in every sense of the word. You are exactly the kind of person I want in my life.
Is this what it is about you?

Is that what it is that makes me want to knock down every wall I’ve created. I’ll risk it all and never think twice."

Worth It

Home 3 Days, Gone 3 Months

Two weeks from now you will be spending you first night in Christchurch away from me. Ill be lying in my bed where i am now probably wondering how I will ever manage 3 months without you when I barely last 3 weeks with out you by by side.

Home 3 days, gone 3 months - Thats just how it has to be.

Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder

I Have All I Need, Hes Out There Somewhere

Life Isn't A Box Of Fluffy Duckies

I hate you so much right now, I want to hit you. With all my might, I do I really do I cant believe you would do this to me. you said you were coming home on the 29th, you lied, you liar.

Fuck you.

Why would you do something so stupid if you knew you could get punished, and ultimately not be allowed to come home.

And to top it off if on the off chance you do get to come home, its only for 3 days max then your off to Christchurch for 3 months for core training. 3 days - two of which I will be working. Great timing I feel. I'll pull a sickie for sure, but I wish you could be home for at least a week like the original plan.

Its been 3 weeks since I was last with you and its absolute pain already, I know all I do is whine and bitch which is I guess what this entire angry post has been about. You fucking up. I know it will effect you too, I know your pissed off about the whole situation too, but unlike me you wont have to sit in a boring office and thinking about you every second of every minute. You will be constantly busy, far to busy to spare me thought. Sorry that was a unreasonable assumption. I know you miss me, you tell me all the time (well when I get to communicate with you which isn't often at all) but you are actually enjoying Army life. I'm honestly not that content with my average daily routine. Get up, go to work, sit on a computer all day and put on a happy face, come home, ride my horse in the dark - stupid winter (highlight though still) cook myself an average dinner/ go to McDonalds, go to bed. Then repeat, and not a second goes by with out you on my mind. I live a mundane life right now. The most exciting moments are when your letters arrive.

Life is not a box of fluffy duckies when one is in a long distance relationship. Scratch that - A military relationship. Normal long distance you can always call/text/skype/Facebook yours truly with no obstacles of communication to over come. Except perhaps Internet failure. That's a bitch isn't it. I've gone primal and I get immense joy over your monthly letter. Or when you get your phone for half and hour every couple of weeks.

Its not all lovely "Dear John" movie style at all... It's not all "Yay I get to run and jump into the arms of my solider when he returns home - how romantic" No its a lot of frustration, anger and a lot of tears. Yes reuniting and running into your arms again is great but when we are together we are both thinking you will be gone again in X amount of hours.

I love you.

You are worth the wait.

I'm sorry I get angry at you.

I dont really get angry at you.

I get angry and the Army for keeping you from me.

Day and Night

"Day and night

I am always tired.

But at night I stay up just late enough,

until I am exhausted enough

until i can fall into my bed

into immediate slumber.

Because I can't stand

to lie in my bed in a dark room

alone with my thoughts for so many hours."