Auto-Pilot

I feel like I'm just working on auto-pilot today.
Sitting behind my desk typing and talking on the phone with no real conscious of what I'm doing.
Putting on a happy face when someone comes in and chatting on the phone in a cherry voice like I love my job.
The only thing on my mind is the number of days until I can see you again - Army March Out.

Not Cut Out For This

I've retreated to the warmth of bed at pitiful 8.30 tonight.

I feel I cant face anyone at the moment, I cant pretend everything is okay for any longer. Into the seclusion of my lonely bed I go.

The 3 hours and 20 minutes I got to be with you were indescribable - A level of happiness I can honestly say haven't felt in a long time - since I was last with you.

I felt weak at the knees with desire when I saw you marched toward me in a group 30-ish chanting something I didn't quite understand.

I don't think I can even try to explain in any sort of words how it felt to hug you so tight that first time. Utterly amazing. I truly wanted to burst into tears and tell you how I hate not having you around and much I miss you, just how much I suffer without you there for me. I feel I'm really hopeless at thing long distance Army girlfriend thing. I know I am. Anyone who copes fine in a situation like this must be extremely independent and strong. Or they just don't truly care.

Everything about you was so tranquilizing. Your voice, your smell, your touch, your engulfing bear hug...

3 and a half hours flew by, felt like an hour with you. If that.

The goodbye was the hardest part - as suspected I suppose.

I walked back with you alone to your barracks, I remember you said you aren't allowed to display any public affection in the Army base, no holding hands, no kissing etc.

I like that you chose to disobey the rules for probably the first time at that moment. You hugged me tight and kissed me passionately regardless of who was around. Once again I wanted to burst into tears and never let you go. I continually told you I love you and that I missed you already. I had to let you go once again, knowing full well I wasn't going to see you until March Out Day.

I endured a long drive home with your parents trying to hold back my tears and keep it together.

"Im gonna marry you"

Every time I get a text, A little bit of excitement quickly builds up inside me in the off chance It might be you - 90% of the time its not you. Probably 95%. You rarely get your phone I've come to realize.

But tonight you got your phone!

For more than 10 minutes too, You me lots of things like how you now know how to kill people with your bare hands - I'm not sure if I'm ecstatic about that one, In terms of protection from possible rapists - yes. Its defiantly a commendable skill. But if domestic violence ever initiates between us...

Not that It would, I'm just thinking up hypothetical scenarios that aren't even plausible as "possible".

You did inform me tonight though your going to marry me with a simple, straight up "I'm gonna marry you" text. I replied "I'm gonna marry you too".

You told about about your plans to visit Bali next year. A trip for me and you, your mate and his girlfriend. Sounds nice. Defiantly keen, the probability of it happening? I don't know so I won't get too excited yet.

I haven't really informed you of how I might be in Spain next year for 6 - 12 months. Well I have but I know you didn't take it seriously. I'm not sure how u will react when i finalize plans and fly out, it will be an opposite of the usual occurrence of you leaving for the army, i'd be leaving instead - It's what stopping me from going really. You. I wish you could come.

Life Without You

Is is contradictory to say I can't live life without you? when in reality I am without you?

I know no matter how much I try to explain, I just cant quite. But I know you will know what I mean.

Deep down I know your there with with me, even if the physical appearance of you isn't.

In terms of relationship status, technically I am "With someone".

21 Days a year the Army website states is the amount if time I will get to be with you... 21 days of a total 365. Please correct me on that one. That's only 3 weeks if my maths is correct.

I feel like all I do is ultimately complain about the predicament we find ourselves in. But at the end of the day I wouldn't rather be with anyone else. I'm pretty proud to say my boyfriend is in the Army. While it pulls the heart strings a bit when I talk about you - Its impressive.

No matter how many days and nights we are apart. Ill wait for you. I know in the end it will be worth it. The end - What is he end? When does the Army career "end"

Regardless of the questions I don't think I will truly ever know the answer too, none of it matters for when I jump into your arms and you lift me effortlessly off the ground in one dramatic swift motion - nothing matters. Nothing else matters in that moment apart from me and you. The briefest moments like that make anything worthwhile.

I wrote a letter to you. I don't know how long it will take to get to you.

It was suppose to be your turn to reply but through the briefest texting conversation we shared the other night, you said you hadn't had time to reply - Its okay I said I'd write again, you replied with an "I love you"

I love you to.

Distraction

I find distraction is the best thing to keep you off my mind, To keep me from going crazy without you. Ive found my latest distraction in movies - Particular movies though. Kids movies. My best advice to anyone feeling a bit blue - "Despicable Me". Quite possibly the greatest movie of all time. Closely following behind "Horton Hears A Who"
I made the mistake of watching "Dear John" again last night. Thought about you the entire time. Of course. May have cried during that movie.

I get to see you in less than a week.

I'm pretty excited to say the least.

But I know after those few hours with you, I won't get to see you for another month. Then another 3 months after that...and that's as far as a know. I often wonder wear you will be in about 2 years?

Re-living The Moment

I keep replaying over and over again in my head the last hug we shared before you left. The last kiss before you left. letting go of you was unbearable.
I had you and you were here. With me. My head fits snugly in the groove of your neck. You smell unbelievably good - Its torture. I can't bare to let you go. With your hand on the small of my back you hold me tight, your other hand caresses my hair which hangs messily. I remember whispering to you rhetorical questions "why do you have to go?" You simply replied the same answer you say every time "I have to, Babe." I knew you had too. But I will protest for the sake of protesting. To let you know just how much I don't want you to go again.
I stand back and look up to you. You smile back and tell me you love me. I force a smile in attempt to hide my obvious pain. It can't have been very convincing you pull me close to you once again and hug me so tight I can't breath for a moment. But I'm not complaining. Being on the receiving end of your hug is far more important.
You really have to go now. With a final kiss, I turn my back on you and walk away. I don't turn around and wave goodbye, in fear you will see tears forming in my eyes.

You haven't even been gone a week yet and I'm waiting for a letter from you. Seems like I haven't been in contact with you for ages.

I remember laying in bed next to you one of those fortunate four nights you were home, thinking of hypothetical scenarios to make you stay.
"What if I was in some sort of horrific car crash and ended up in a coma with little chance of waking up?"
"I wouldn't go back to the Army - I would stay by your side until you woke up."
"What if they wanted to turn off life support?"
"Wouldnt fucking let them"
I replied sarcastically "...So thats what I have to do."

Dear John Letter

I cracked slightly tonight. Already. Just a little bit.

I visited mum's house to get my mail. Not only did she bitch about everything I do - Apparently I don't seem to be in the best mood. I can't imagine why - maybe because you just left again and are miles away and I cant contact you. Just maybe.

She doesn't understand. She can snuggle her boyfriend by the fireplace whenever she pleases (which might I add she publicly displays their affection on numerous occasions, weather just to boast her happiness or not. who cares. I try to shut it out.)

She doesn't understand I don't go home to hug and kiss you when ever I please. No I go home and write letters to you on an Internet blog. Letters that you will most likely never read.

Before leaving she took the liberty to tell me your Mum thinks I'm going to write you a Dear John letter. I don't think your Mum likes me much. I won't ever write a Dear John letter.

How one could think I was capable - I don't know.

I soon left after that without a goodbye. Angry for no real reason.

"Fast Car" by Tracy Chapman was playing when I turned my car on. I remember that song playing on your iPod as I was lying awake one night with my head on your chest, you were sleeping. I admit I cried a bit on the way home. What about, I'm not sure - Just your absence in general I suppose.

P.S This time a week ago I was fortunate enough to be sleeping in your arms.

Your Necklace

I wear your necklace everyday. Every night. 24/7.
You can't wear your necklace in Army. So i'll wear it instead.
Every time I touch it, or see it around my neck - I think of you.
I twirl it around my fingers as I fall asleep.
I glad to have something to remind me of you. although I'm not entirely sure I needed anymore reminding, necklace or not your always on my mind.

As my mind wanders I try to imagine what your doing at this exact moment in time. Running comes to mind. Or just something physical in general. Something I'd be incapable of. The day you went back you told me you had a 20km run to do the next day. Makes me tired just thinking about it.

I try not to mope around being a real obvious downer. That gets no one no where.
I try to keep busy. Like you are i suppose. Although not that busy. Not running 20km busy.
Busy as in - Ill get my camera out every now and then which no subject to shoot. Just spontaneous shooting.
I brought the horse back into work as that's a full time commitment and it defiantly takes my mind of things. But horses are also frustrating. They make me angry a lot more than they should. Then everything I think of irritates me. Even you - How your left me for the Army. It was a choice. I know your happy there, but how? I'm not always happy here. Your miles away from me. You left me.

Now It's Different

When you left the first time in March - It was bearable. We wern't together, so suppose I assumed this was it and we would both move on. We would have to move on after all you were leaving for the Army. I assumed I really wouldn't ever see much of you again. It hurt to think that. But we wern't together so that's how it was going to be.
Less than a week in and I found myself thinking of you all the time, how one would if there life long partner had left. I had you by my side for the past 18 months as my boyfriend and now you have just disappeared. Regardless of weather we were officially together or not, it didn't matter. I missed you terribly.

The count down until you came home this May was killing me. restless nights thinking of you, daydreaming of the moment I could jump into your arms once again. I knew you felt the same way. Numerous times your letters stipulated that we should be together. I knew you knew I was reluctant though. being and Army girlfriend is a choice not to take lightly. I tried to avoid asking myself the question. I was unsure if i could handle a long distance relationship. I fairly independent, But this long distance would not be a normal long distance. I knew I would go for weeks without zero contact, I knew 90% of the time letter would be the only way to tell you I love you. Letters take time though, and I know you don't get a lot of time to write back straight away. I knew of the pros and cons with being a military girlfriend. The majority being cons. But when you came home for those four days and I once again got to fall asleep in your arms. It didn't matter. I was glad to be your girlfriend again.

You've gone again. But I'm not too sad this time. for I know I will get to see you in two weeks. If anything I'm excited. I will get to see you in your Army uniform for the first time. I'm very much looking forward to it.
I know after these two weeks it will be different though. It will be a long time before I can see you again. How I handle that I dont know. Time will tell.