This Is What I Love About You

Your loyalty to me and everyone or everything that matters to you.

Your strength.

Your generosity.

The way that you always look for and find the positive in everything.

The fact that you know exactly where you are going in life and will do whatever it takes to get there.

Your boldness.

Your gentleness with me.

How you always can make me laugh or smile even at times when I don’t want too.

The fact that you refuse to ever completely grow up.

How you are always kind to animals.

The way you walk and run.

The annoying fact that you are right 90% of the time.

The way you make me feel about myself.

The way you always encourage and believe in me.

The heart-touching things you’ve written for me.

Questions

I have so much questions to ask you.

You just turned everything upside down.

Your now staying all the way in Christchurch after your corp training - On the other bloody Island.

You want me to pack up my life and move down there.

You say jump, I say how high. You knew I'd agree to it.

I asked you what you'd do if I didn't want to - you said you would get release from the NZDF to be with me. Thanks, now this feels like blackmail. I know you didn't mean it that way though.

You have it all sorted down to how you're coming to get me even.

I actually want to go. I'd follow you anywhere.

Damn you for knowing that. I feel like a push over.

I feel bad for going to leave my job. It's a good job.

Looks like I'm going back to riding racehorses in the morning I suppose.

I don't care as long as I'm with you.

What scares me the most though, is what if I move down there to be with you, then you get deployed.

Fucking Army

Fucking Army!... That is all.

Good Enough

It's getting worse.

Today at work I ate a small piece of passion fruit slice.

I shouldn't have - So much calories, I let my cravings get to me, I have been so good at not eating any carbs or sugar. For the first time the thought of making myself throw up entered my mind. Slightly disgusted at myself I just convinced myself I'd run extra far tonight, and do more crunches and press ups - so I did.

It's become a obsession that I cant stop. It's always on my mind. "What am I not going to eat today" I go through phases of fasting, then I revert to super healthy vegetarian, depending on what I read on the Internet. Currently I'm eating small amount of weight watchers cereal for breakfast (apparently skipping breakfast makes you fatter so I've recently started breakfast again) small salad or an apple for lunch, just cooked veggies for dinner. I always want to binge, especially at night. But my will power is getting better. I let myself have one bad day to satisfy my cravings, as long as I run it off.

I weigh my self up to 4 times a day - I'm always lightest in the morning.

I want to be skinny for when you come home.

I want you to be impressed with me.

I want to be skinny for when you take me to Bali next year.

I want to look good in a bikini.

I don't know why my eating has become an obsession. A distraction maybe?

I eat normally when your home. But your never home for long so maybe that's why I let my diet slip.

I just want to be good enough

That First Hug

I desperately cant wait for that first hug when you come home.

It has such a sense of relief throughout it and just an overflow of every emotion thats been waiting for your return. Love, comfort, reassurance.

It's the first hug when I get you alone that is like that.

When I initially get to jump into your arms it's always on front of your family and friends, even though I want to hug the fuck out of you and never let you go ever again - I have to share.

That first hug I get to share with you alone always last for so long, you hold me so tight and don't let go. Not a word is spoken, we simply take in the moment. Nothing needs to be said.

This Is Pretty Much Us

A Penny Dropped

The penny dropped tonight.

I realised I would actually go anywhere in the world to be with you. not only because I love you, but because you're the only person in the world who actually wants me around.

My Mum once again has completely disowned me, wont even say a word to me.

My Dad is too laid back to worry where I go.

My sister who I live with isn't bothered by my existence at all.

I have minimal friends, most of which have moved away anyway to study.

Why would I want to stay here when the one who actually wants me is elsewhere?

Ill go where ever you go.

Not only is that a commitment to you. That's a promise.

Nothing I Can Do About It

No Idea At All

It's Not The Tennis - It's You.

If someone had asked me 12 months ago when Australia Open was, my answer would have been a blank look. Ask me now and I'd be able to to tell you who won it last, who was in the finals and who was in the semi's.

I didn't care much for tennis at all before I met you.

I enjoyed watching you play tennis.

Going along to your tennis tournaments with you I developed a love for the sport. I understood it and you taught me how to score it. You even tried to teach me to play once - Thought I picked it up well, I could hit it back. This tennis thing is easy. Then on my return, you leaped into the air and completely smashed the ball back to my side of the net so fast my only reaction was to duck. Highly amusing for you. Terrifying for me. Never again will I play tennis with you.

We watched tennis for hours together on TV even.

I follow it now with 100% commitment. So when you come back I can inform you on all the Tennis gossip that's happened.

A bit of tennis eye candy never hurt either.

Oh look - Thats the racquet you use.

Love

In Your Room

I went to your house today.

To look for the charger for your phone I'm borrowing, in your outside room.

I went in my lunch break, only your brother was home - he gave me the key to your room.

I felt a touch overwhelmed to be alone in your room. Your belongings on display, I'm never in that room without you, A strange feeling of loneliness swept over me. I disregarded it and searched in the place you said the charger was. I never found it.

I found a half full lynx body spray you had left behind though - I couldn't resist, I had to smell it. I sprayed a small amount on the top on my hand. You know those moments when you smell something you didn't expect to be so familiar and in an instant it just propels you back to a memory? That's what happened. I was thrown back to the trip home from Waiouru, where I cuddled you the whole way, resting my head on your shoulder. My hand placed on your chest, your hand over mine, keeping it warm. Your hands are always extremely warm regardless of how cold it is. My hands are always cold. I love how you know this too and without questioning you warm them by holding them tightly between your hands, or grabbing my hands and shoving them under your shirt, always followed by a sharp inhale as my hands are like icicles.

With my hands warming up, my eyes feeling heavy, I was 100% content to be close to you again. Every now and then you would turn to me and kiss my on the forehead. My head was buried into your camo print shoulder, you couldn't see my face but I couldn't help but smile and think how lucky I am to get this small amount of time with you.

I got carried away typing there - Anyway, that was the effect smelling "you" had on me.

I continued to smell my hand throughout the day and get that memory come flooding back each time. I was sad when it washed off in the shower.

I hunted around some more for the charger but again, got distracted when I found your notebook from Waiouru (About A5 in size, and completely full of Army jargon) I flicked through it, one whole page was solely dedicated to a triangle pattern which featured some impressive art skills, I smiled. Another page had a drawing of a gun, I will assume you weren't told to draw that, you just got bored.

Another page was dedicated to my postal address.

At Least Try

Do You Miss Me?

Kiss In The Rain

Things You Say To Me

I often go back and read through our few and far between text conversations. You make me smile at how cute your texts are.

You were questioning me one night, to see if I lock all the doors at night because I live in the ghetto where casual mongrel mob members roam, I said I did and that you worry far too much, you said - "I do? I don't care that I do, I care for you that's all. A shit load."

You were being paranoid about me clubbing without you, I said you didn't need to worry about a thing, I don't even look at anyone else. You replied - "There's so many other guys out there that you could get with, You could have anyone you want and you choose me? I don't understand..."

You: "OMG Guess what!?"

Me: "What?

you: "We get to sleep in till 6.30am tomorrow! Fucking stoked, so much better than 4am"

You were saying to me that it's getting so tough and people have dropped out of the core training after only a week. You said you want to leave, I asked if you were going too. You said - "No way, I need to buy you all the things you could ever want, I don't want to disappoint you, I'm doing this all for you - I'm going to put a fucking ring on your finger babe."

I'm not sure why you had to incorporate the swearing - I guess you really meant it!

I couldn't really think of a good enough reply, So I just told you I love you.

Sleeping

Not only is it a cute picture, I like this style of sketching also.

Cant Ever Sleep

This Would Be My Funeral Song

This is the most played songs on my iTunes... Cant ever get sick of it.

Intoxicated - Hope This Makes Sense

I just drove home drunk from a night out with a few friend at the local club - Catching up etc because everyone else has lives and is doing something worthwhile, I'm the only one left in this small town - I'm just waiting here for you. I'll be wherever you want me too. I will move to Palmerston North with you if i can. I will travel halfway around the world to be with you, why? Because I'm truly deeply unhappy without you.

I feel stupid for being so heavily dependent on one person to make me happy. But its true.

Everyday I'm conscious of a numbness throughout my body, Like I'm living but not feeling. Like I'm watching myself live. But not living my life. I feel nothing. Like in constant state of drunkenness. I'm waiting for this to be over - I want these next 3 months to just be over with. Its horrible without you. So alone.

Driving home tonight I broke 3 laws - Driving drunk, driving after 10pm on a restricted license and my car has no warrant. I couldn't have cared less. I don't like to be so brutally honest but if I had driven my car over a cliff tonight that would have just been okay with me. I hate the thought of wrecking my car though. And if love me as much as you claim to then it would absolutely be the end of you too. I couldn't do that to you. I know you've dabbled in taking your own life before.

To everyone around me I must seem carefree and untroubled. I suppose I'm quite cherry on the outside. My own family suspects nothing, my friends no of nothing - not that I ever see many of my friends much - as mentioned before, they are actually making something of their life.

I think if someone jumps from a bridge, or in front of a train - that they are extremely brave. Accusations of suicidal people being "stupid" is just arrogant I think. Unfair maybe, as suicide never ends pain, it only passes it on to those close family and friends.

Its ridiculous to feel this way over someone, but your absence effects me that much. When people find out my boyfriend is in the army, they all ask how often I get to see you/talk to you etc, when I tell them I get the same reaction from everyone "I don't now how you do it" usually followed by "I start to miss my boyfriend if we don't see each other for a day."... I don't really have a good explanation for "why", I guess I just like you a lot... and to be honest if I wasn't with you I'd 100% have nothing to live for. Sure people say there's plenty of fish in the sea, but I had my time being single, and I didn't enjoy it at all... You're the only one I want to be with. Physically be with. So hurry the fuck up and come home. I want to fall asleep in your arms every night. I want to you to kiss me on the forehead when lay on your chest. I want you to hold my hand as we walk together... I want you back.

I can't let you know this, because via texting just last night you told me you want out. You're not going to quit but you said it's so hard people have left in the first week. Mentally exhausting. I believe you are strong enough to carry on. I know you will. You're awfully determined in everything you do.

12 weeks to go.

Till It Stops

I Am Trying

1 Day Down

I haven't cried for you yet. I say yet because I know it is definitely inevitable, it will become a daily thing soon enough just like last time.

Tonight I feel more down about everything - last night you were texting me, continually letting me know just how much you love me and reassuring me you wouldn't be away for too long - that you will be back in no time at all. I know its breaking you as well, you told me turning your back and walking away from me to get on that plane was one of the hardest things you've done.

I didn't realise just how much I mean to you, you haven't been one to express your self via words really but when you touched down for the 20 minute stop in Wellington, you text me "You know what sucks, I'm so incredibly in love with a girl I cant see."

I sat on the floor tonight wearing your Canterbury track pants which you let me steal one frosty morning. I leaned over a block canvas and tried to progress on a painting that I've been working on for some time. I didn't achieve much, The TV kept distracting me. I get extremely deep in thought whenever I paint, my best work comes from my most depressed moments.

Whenever I lower my head over a project my necklaces dangle under my nose. Your necklace - Which means the world to me, your wore for the three days you were home, but gave it back to me on the trip to airport. My necklace of a petite horse head, Which my Dad got for my 18th. and a new one, A Yin Yang hangs around my neck now - I love what it stands for. Duality, everything is connected to everything else, one cannot not exist without the other. I cannot exist without you.

On a completely different train of thought, I've been reading a blog about a ex-soldier with Combat related PTSD and how its effected him. Iraq and Afghanistan can fuck soldiers mentally. I knew it was common - especially since that suicide link I posted a while back.

You tell me in Christchurch they are preparing not only physically, but mentally they will push you to the limits. What that entirely means I don't really know, but I guess I can't even begin to imagine that horrendous things you might see if you get deployed to places like Afghanistan or East Timor.

You told the NZ Army which is currently defence force, is seriously looking into becoming an attack force.

I still cant get my head around you as a trained killer, I don't see it in you - but to be quite honest that's exactly what they preparing you for. You know how to break someone leg in one swift movement, kill someone with your bare hands, you throw grenades, fire all sorts of weapons, you talk of shooting AK-47's, M-16's etc with excitement in your voice. You enjoy this.

On a serious note your Dad asked you if you could ever kill a person, you replied bluntly "Yeah, If they wanted to kill me"

Hallelujah

Miss You Already

Gone Again

I leaned against the large pane of glass that overlooked the airport runway.

Your small plane to Christchurch with you and 5 other Army boys on it, turned at the end of the runway and accelerated for take off.

The moment of lift off, desolation immediately flooded by entire body. I held it together.

The 3 days had gone way to fast. Only seemed like an hour ago we were leaving Waiouru, I was falling asleep on your cameo print shoulder, holding your green beret in my hand.

Your demeanor so different when you stood confidently in your Army uniform at AARC graduation. You were in the top platoon. You now had badges representing significant achievement. On the collar of the dress uniform you have two swords meaning you are an infantry rifleman.

Back at home on your civi clothes you become the completely unchanged funny guy that I knew would never disappear for too long.

You landed in Christchurch today at about 1pm - in your words "Its rocks" - you have a blunt sense of humor. But it isn't actually that good, its freezing and you informed me via text that its pretty average. I hope you aren't too unhappy there for too long.

13 weeks to go.

Death

You said so yourself - You are just a number to the Army - C1131038 to be exact. They can and will send you away to risk your life. They will send you away to die.

Your Home

I've been staring at this blank screen trying to adequately describe what exactly I'm feeling right now. I've decided I just cant describe it. overwhelming sense of happiness I haven't felt in so long.

In saying that I'm also scared of the future for you, us... mainly you.

You said you could get deployed in as little as 3 months.