Intoxicated - Hope This Makes Sense

I just drove home drunk from a night out with a few friend at the local club - Catching up etc because everyone else has lives and is doing something worthwhile, I'm the only one left in this small town - I'm just waiting here for you. I'll be wherever you want me too. I will move to Palmerston North with you if i can. I will travel halfway around the world to be with you, why? Because I'm truly deeply unhappy without you.

I feel stupid for being so heavily dependent on one person to make me happy. But its true.

Everyday I'm conscious of a numbness throughout my body, Like I'm living but not feeling. Like I'm watching myself live. But not living my life. I feel nothing. Like in constant state of drunkenness. I'm waiting for this to be over - I want these next 3 months to just be over with. Its horrible without you. So alone.

Driving home tonight I broke 3 laws - Driving drunk, driving after 10pm on a restricted license and my car has no warrant. I couldn't have cared less. I don't like to be so brutally honest but if I had driven my car over a cliff tonight that would have just been okay with me. I hate the thought of wrecking my car though. And if love me as much as you claim to then it would absolutely be the end of you too. I couldn't do that to you. I know you've dabbled in taking your own life before.

To everyone around me I must seem carefree and untroubled. I suppose I'm quite cherry on the outside. My own family suspects nothing, my friends no of nothing - not that I ever see many of my friends much - as mentioned before, they are actually making something of their life.

I think if someone jumps from a bridge, or in front of a train - that they are extremely brave. Accusations of suicidal people being "stupid" is just arrogant I think. Unfair maybe, as suicide never ends pain, it only passes it on to those close family and friends.

Its ridiculous to feel this way over someone, but your absence effects me that much. When people find out my boyfriend is in the army, they all ask how often I get to see you/talk to you etc, when I tell them I get the same reaction from everyone "I don't now how you do it" usually followed by "I start to miss my boyfriend if we don't see each other for a day."... I don't really have a good explanation for "why", I guess I just like you a lot... and to be honest if I wasn't with you I'd 100% have nothing to live for. Sure people say there's plenty of fish in the sea, but I had my time being single, and I didn't enjoy it at all... You're the only one I want to be with. Physically be with. So hurry the fuck up and come home. I want to fall asleep in your arms every night. I want to you to kiss me on the forehead when lay on your chest. I want you to hold my hand as we walk together... I want you back.

I can't let you know this, because via texting just last night you told me you want out. You're not going to quit but you said it's so hard people have left in the first week. Mentally exhausting. I believe you are strong enough to carry on. I know you will. You're awfully determined in everything you do.

12 weeks to go.