Tonight I feel more down about everything - last night you were texting me, continually letting me know just how much you love me and reassuring me you wouldn't be away for too long - that you will be back in no time at all. I know its breaking you as well, you told me turning your back and walking away from me to get on that plane was one of the hardest things you've done.
I didn't realise just how much I mean to you, you haven't been one to express your self via words really but when you touched down for the 20 minute stop in Wellington, you text me "You know what sucks, I'm so incredibly in love with a girl I cant see."
I sat on the floor tonight wearing your Canterbury track pants which you let me steal one frosty morning. I leaned over a block canvas and tried to progress on a painting that I've been working on for some time. I didn't achieve much, The TV kept distracting me. I get extremely deep in thought whenever I paint, my best work comes from my most depressed moments.
Whenever I lower my head over a project my necklaces dangle under my nose. Your necklace - Which means the world to me, your wore for the three days you were home, but gave it back to me on the trip to airport. My necklace of a petite horse head, Which my Dad got for my 18th. and a new one, A Yin Yang hangs around my neck now - I love what it stands for. Duality, everything is connected to everything else, one cannot not exist without the other. I cannot exist without you.
On a completely different train of thought, I've been reading a blog about a ex-soldier with Combat related PTSD and how its effected him. Iraq and Afghanistan can fuck soldiers mentally. I knew it was common - especially since that suicide link I posted a while back.
You tell me in Christchurch they are preparing not only physically, but mentally they will push you to the limits. What that entirely means I don't really know, but I guess I can't even begin to imagine that horrendous things you might see if you get deployed to places like Afghanistan or East Timor.
You told the NZ Army which is currently defence force, is seriously looking into becoming an attack force.
I still cant get my head around you as a trained killer, I don't see it in you - but to be quite honest that's exactly what they preparing you for. You know how to break someone leg in one swift movement, kill someone with your bare hands, you throw grenades, fire all sorts of weapons, you talk of shooting AK-47's, M-16's etc with excitement in your voice. You enjoy this.
On a serious note your Dad asked you if you could ever kill a person, you replied bluntly "Yeah, If they wanted to kill me"
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