Mentally you're not well. I know that.
If waking up with a panic attack so extreme that it leaves you unable to breathe is anything to go by.
I've researched all over to try and help, but it's medically proven that no one can explain why night terrors occur. In what state of mind does one have to be in to see a mate sleeping in the same room get violently stabbed to death? In what state of mind must one be in that it takes said mate over 20 minutes to wake you up from your panicking terror? What is happening inside your head.
They say not to try wake a person during a night terror episode, because they freak out. But also not to wake them because sometimes they can unknowingly attack their partner, or anyone who interferes with them.
Would they deploy you to Afghanistan if they knew about your ever-worsening nighttime panic attacks?
They would if they knew nothing about it.
You have only willingly told me.
And anyone else unfortunate to enough to wake up to your fearful hysteria.

We teetered on the edge of break up recently. You were dealing with just so much shit you couldn't deal with it. Couldn't deal with being away from me. Couldn't handle the persistent paranoid thoughts of me being with someone else. I don't even think about it. You know that. I know you trust me. But everything got to much. The mental pressure you were so obviously under made you a different person. You cracked. To you, something had to give - to you, that was me. You said it wouldn't make you happier. You said it would maybe help you focus on your intense training. You said it wasn't because you wanted to get with anyone else. You said it was because I was always on your mind that you were distracted and distant from your work.
I let you think.
I didn't want to "convince" you into anything - while I was devastated at your sudden approach toward me, I knew deep down you didn't want me gone. You were still telling me you loved me, but you just couldn't deal with everything right now.
You must have realized leaving me was not going to help your situation. Only hinder if anything.
You snapped out of it and now still you continue apologize for your mental state of mind.

You're home next week for just over 10 days.
While I'm stoked about that. You also told me if you get into alpha company as a top recruit you could get deployed to Afghanistan as soon as next October. Chances are high.

I hate being so independent. In the beginning I missed you terribly and cried most night. Now I just feel so used to not having you around. Your absence so long that I've had to learn to live without you. I feel I can without much difficulty. It sounds harsh but its the truth. I feel myself forgetting what we had. When you do some back I feel I have to warm up to your presence again, get used to being in one another's space for the short period of time. Then after just a couple of short days you're gone again. I go back to living without you. Independence. The way I'm used too...

Take Me Away With You.

My Life

I fucking miss you. You're my whole entire life. I never want to lose you. Everyday I'm terrified you will find someone better than me.
I'm a deeply unhappy person. You are the only person who genuinely makes me smile. You're also capable of completely tearing me apart though.

I Hate Love

Leaving By Choice

You want to go back to the army early. After all the weeks apart I finally have you back for 4 days and you want to go back already. You don't know what to do with yourself when no ones telling you what to do. You're bored as fuck because your life is now consumed with the army. Your life is back there - I understand that, I do. But telling me bluntly you just want to go back and leave earlier than you have too? It hurts a bit. I was under the impression you would be thrilled to be back, just do nothing all day, relax. No pre-dawn starts, no sleeping in a foot of snow, no getting orders yelled at you. Forgive me for assuming something so absurd.

I do not, for the life of me understand you. In some respects I feel I don't know you as well as I should. I'm not in your life enough to have that right I suppose.

I don't know about you, I just don't.

The army is breaking you though.

It's changing you.

Don't Wait Forever

• "Just get a plane ticket and go!
• save a bit, sell your car and boost
  I dare you to go to Spain, just go."
  
  
  Those words he said to me completely threw straight back into the "I have no idea where I'm going in life rut", I thought I had it sorted, I had forgotten about Spain, I discarded it as I could never afford it anytime soon since I spent almost $3000 on a professional camera. I was happy I had a short term goal which is rare for me, The goal being I would move down to Christchurch and live with you.
  
  
  "I just don't want to see someone that's keen to go away procrastinate until its to late, while you're young girl, don't wait for the army honestly.
  • I'm going to convince you and make you buy your tickets and then you can thank me wen you get there, cause its way better than a cold shaking piece of ground with no town anymore cause its all destroyed"
  • 
    
    Is he right? don't know but now I'm stuck with this big rain cloud over my head filled with burdens of money and time. It ruins lives. Money and time rules the world. If some doesn't do something/ go somewhere you can almost guarantee they did have the money or time. If I live to be like 50 or something I don't want to look back and know I don't have a significant life story to tell, I want a lifetime experience. I want stories to tell.
    I feel shit now that I've wasted 18 years of my life doing sweet fuck all. I feel stupid spending my days waiting for a boy, you.
    You have to make something of your life, no one is going to do it for you. I don't want to fall in the same generic trap that everyone else has had in my family, The trap of growing up in a small country town, staying there for life and having the same job for over 20 years. More than anything in the world I don't want to settle down like that. I can see my sister is already starting too. Wants to buy a house etc. Quite happy where she is. Her idea of "travel" is going to Australia for a couple of weeks with a friend. No fuck that, I'm quite prepared to jump into a foreign culture where I don't speak the language by myself. Sure someone to share the experience with would be nice but I'm not about to wait around for someone else, cause there is that issue of time I mentioned before. It's a bitch isn't it.
    I do feel like I'm waiting for you and the army and the person I quoted is right, and no that person isn't a family member, because none of my immediate family would ever encourage something as "extreme" as jumping on a plane with no return ticket and actually living life.
    I believe the world is like a book, and if you never travel you only ever read one page.
  
  

Maybe I Miss You

Is it weird that I sprayed the lynx you use on my hand in the super market just to remind me of you?

Is it also weird that I held that hand out of the shower the whole time to ensure it didn't wash off, so I can fall asleep tonight with my hand by my face.

I think I need you back.

Run Away

More than anything I want to runaway and travel the world with you. Forget today's problems and jump into a new culture. Me and you with the world at our feet. I think about this becoming a reality more than I should - I know it couldn't possibly happen. Yet.

I want to lie next to you and sun bathe on the perfect white beaches of the Maldives.

I want to eat chocolate churros and cure a hangover with you in Spain

I want to kiss you in the rain under the imposing arches of the Eiffel Tower in France.

I want to witness the Northern Lights in Norway with you by my side

I want to stand with you and gaze up at Khufu's pyramid in complete awe.

I want to hold your hand and aimlessly wander around Stonehenge, never quite figuring out what it ever was originally.

I want to buy a one-way ticket out of here with you and never return.

Paper Plus Has A Way With Words

Whenever I walk into Paper Plus, it always seems to be playing a song which reminds me of you.

It's almost creepy.

Hopelessly devoted to you.

"Guess mine is not the first heart broken,

my eyes are not the first to cry I'm not the first to know,

there's just no gettin' over you

Hello, I'm just a fool who's willing to sit around

and wait for you

But baby can't you see, there's nothin' else

for me to do I'm hopelessly devoted to you."

On another note I woke up once again last night short of breath in a cold night sweat. Always seems to be when you're in my dreams.

It's True

Love For My Horse

I have to sell my horse to move to Christchurch with you. It breaks my heart.

A simple text from you last night told me you were listening to this song as it makes you think of me.

Cause I don't ever ever wanna see you lonely
Cause your love is something that you just don't push aside
And I'll promise that I'll give you all my lovin'
Girl I'll open up my heart because there's nothing to hide

ooh..oh nothing to hide
ooh..oh nothing to hide
(VERSE 1)
Girl open up your heart and let your love shine through
Cause what's inside you can't deny
Them other guys were schoolin' you
I realize it from the start
All the games played on your heart
Cause I've been watchin' you for so long
The love I witnessed wasn't wrong

(Chorus)
I would never ever wanna see you lonely
cause your love is something that you just don't push aside
And I'll promise I will give you all my lovin'
Girl I'll open up my heart because there's nothing to hide

ooh..oh nothing to hide
ooh..oh nothing to hide

(VERSE 2)
Girl lets just fall in love
And start a family
Cause i know the man above
Made you especially for me
I promise I would give my all
To support your every need
I would sacrifice my life
To fulfill your every dream

(REPEAT CHORUS)

(VERSE 3)
I'd be tossin'
I'd be turnin'
Just feeling all your pain
I say the fire still burnin'
Cause all of remains
I promise we could last forever
I'll never make you cry
I know that we could make it
Cause there's nothing to hide

Cause I don't ever ever wanna see you lonely
Cause your love is something that you just don't push aside
And I'll promise that I'll give you all my lovin'
Girl I'll open up my heart because there's nothing to hide

ooh..oh nothing to hide
ooh..oh nothing to hide

Oh Long Distance

It kills me inside. It really does.

I'm Already There

Excited To See You

I get to pick you up from the airport in the middle of the night in about 3 weeks. Just me. Just me and you.

This Is What I Love About You

Your loyalty to me and everyone or everything that matters to you.

Your strength.

Your generosity.

The way that you always look for and find the positive in everything.

The fact that you know exactly where you are going in life and will do whatever it takes to get there.

Your boldness.

Your gentleness with me.

How you always can make me laugh or smile even at times when I don’t want too.

The fact that you refuse to ever completely grow up.

How you are always kind to animals.

The way you walk and run.

The annoying fact that you are right 90% of the time.

The way you make me feel about myself.

The way you always encourage and believe in me.

The heart-touching things you’ve written for me.

Questions

I have so much questions to ask you.

You just turned everything upside down.

Your now staying all the way in Christchurch after your corp training - On the other bloody Island.

You want me to pack up my life and move down there.

You say jump, I say how high. You knew I'd agree to it.

I asked you what you'd do if I didn't want to - you said you would get release from the NZDF to be with me. Thanks, now this feels like blackmail. I know you didn't mean it that way though.

You have it all sorted down to how you're coming to get me even.

I actually want to go. I'd follow you anywhere.

Damn you for knowing that. I feel like a push over.

I feel bad for going to leave my job. It's a good job.

Looks like I'm going back to riding racehorses in the morning I suppose.

I don't care as long as I'm with you.

What scares me the most though, is what if I move down there to be with you, then you get deployed.

Fucking Army

Fucking Army!... That is all.

Good Enough

It's getting worse.

Today at work I ate a small piece of passion fruit slice.

I shouldn't have - So much calories, I let my cravings get to me, I have been so good at not eating any carbs or sugar. For the first time the thought of making myself throw up entered my mind. Slightly disgusted at myself I just convinced myself I'd run extra far tonight, and do more crunches and press ups - so I did.

It's become a obsession that I cant stop. It's always on my mind. "What am I not going to eat today" I go through phases of fasting, then I revert to super healthy vegetarian, depending on what I read on the Internet. Currently I'm eating small amount of weight watchers cereal for breakfast (apparently skipping breakfast makes you fatter so I've recently started breakfast again) small salad or an apple for lunch, just cooked veggies for dinner. I always want to binge, especially at night. But my will power is getting better. I let myself have one bad day to satisfy my cravings, as long as I run it off.

I weigh my self up to 4 times a day - I'm always lightest in the morning.

I want to be skinny for when you come home.

I want you to be impressed with me.

I want to be skinny for when you take me to Bali next year.

I want to look good in a bikini.

I don't know why my eating has become an obsession. A distraction maybe?

I eat normally when your home. But your never home for long so maybe that's why I let my diet slip.

I just want to be good enough

That First Hug

I desperately cant wait for that first hug when you come home.

It has such a sense of relief throughout it and just an overflow of every emotion thats been waiting for your return. Love, comfort, reassurance.

It's the first hug when I get you alone that is like that.

When I initially get to jump into your arms it's always on front of your family and friends, even though I want to hug the fuck out of you and never let you go ever again - I have to share.

That first hug I get to share with you alone always last for so long, you hold me so tight and don't let go. Not a word is spoken, we simply take in the moment. Nothing needs to be said.

This Is Pretty Much Us

A Penny Dropped

The penny dropped tonight.

I realised I would actually go anywhere in the world to be with you. not only because I love you, but because you're the only person in the world who actually wants me around.

My Mum once again has completely disowned me, wont even say a word to me.

My Dad is too laid back to worry where I go.

My sister who I live with isn't bothered by my existence at all.

I have minimal friends, most of which have moved away anyway to study.

Why would I want to stay here when the one who actually wants me is elsewhere?

Ill go where ever you go.

Not only is that a commitment to you. That's a promise.

Nothing I Can Do About It

No Idea At All

It's Not The Tennis - It's You.

If someone had asked me 12 months ago when Australia Open was, my answer would have been a blank look. Ask me now and I'd be able to to tell you who won it last, who was in the finals and who was in the semi's.

I didn't care much for tennis at all before I met you.

I enjoyed watching you play tennis.

Going along to your tennis tournaments with you I developed a love for the sport. I understood it and you taught me how to score it. You even tried to teach me to play once - Thought I picked it up well, I could hit it back. This tennis thing is easy. Then on my return, you leaped into the air and completely smashed the ball back to my side of the net so fast my only reaction was to duck. Highly amusing for you. Terrifying for me. Never again will I play tennis with you.

We watched tennis for hours together on TV even.

I follow it now with 100% commitment. So when you come back I can inform you on all the Tennis gossip that's happened.

A bit of tennis eye candy never hurt either.

Oh look - Thats the racquet you use.

Love

In Your Room

I went to your house today.

To look for the charger for your phone I'm borrowing, in your outside room.

I went in my lunch break, only your brother was home - he gave me the key to your room.

I felt a touch overwhelmed to be alone in your room. Your belongings on display, I'm never in that room without you, A strange feeling of loneliness swept over me. I disregarded it and searched in the place you said the charger was. I never found it.

I found a half full lynx body spray you had left behind though - I couldn't resist, I had to smell it. I sprayed a small amount on the top on my hand. You know those moments when you smell something you didn't expect to be so familiar and in an instant it just propels you back to a memory? That's what happened. I was thrown back to the trip home from Waiouru, where I cuddled you the whole way, resting my head on your shoulder. My hand placed on your chest, your hand over mine, keeping it warm. Your hands are always extremely warm regardless of how cold it is. My hands are always cold. I love how you know this too and without questioning you warm them by holding them tightly between your hands, or grabbing my hands and shoving them under your shirt, always followed by a sharp inhale as my hands are like icicles.

With my hands warming up, my eyes feeling heavy, I was 100% content to be close to you again. Every now and then you would turn to me and kiss my on the forehead. My head was buried into your camo print shoulder, you couldn't see my face but I couldn't help but smile and think how lucky I am to get this small amount of time with you.

I got carried away typing there - Anyway, that was the effect smelling "you" had on me.

I continued to smell my hand throughout the day and get that memory come flooding back each time. I was sad when it washed off in the shower.

I hunted around some more for the charger but again, got distracted when I found your notebook from Waiouru (About A5 in size, and completely full of Army jargon) I flicked through it, one whole page was solely dedicated to a triangle pattern which featured some impressive art skills, I smiled. Another page had a drawing of a gun, I will assume you weren't told to draw that, you just got bored.

Another page was dedicated to my postal address.

At Least Try

Do You Miss Me?

Kiss In The Rain

Things You Say To Me

I often go back and read through our few and far between text conversations. You make me smile at how cute your texts are.

You were questioning me one night, to see if I lock all the doors at night because I live in the ghetto where casual mongrel mob members roam, I said I did and that you worry far too much, you said - "I do? I don't care that I do, I care for you that's all. A shit load."

You were being paranoid about me clubbing without you, I said you didn't need to worry about a thing, I don't even look at anyone else. You replied - "There's so many other guys out there that you could get with, You could have anyone you want and you choose me? I don't understand..."

You: "OMG Guess what!?"

Me: "What?

you: "We get to sleep in till 6.30am tomorrow! Fucking stoked, so much better than 4am"

You were saying to me that it's getting so tough and people have dropped out of the core training after only a week. You said you want to leave, I asked if you were going too. You said - "No way, I need to buy you all the things you could ever want, I don't want to disappoint you, I'm doing this all for you - I'm going to put a fucking ring on your finger babe."

I'm not sure why you had to incorporate the swearing - I guess you really meant it!

I couldn't really think of a good enough reply, So I just told you I love you.

Sleeping

Not only is it a cute picture, I like this style of sketching also.

Cant Ever Sleep

This Would Be My Funeral Song

This is the most played songs on my iTunes... Cant ever get sick of it.

Intoxicated - Hope This Makes Sense

I just drove home drunk from a night out with a few friend at the local club - Catching up etc because everyone else has lives and is doing something worthwhile, I'm the only one left in this small town - I'm just waiting here for you. I'll be wherever you want me too. I will move to Palmerston North with you if i can. I will travel halfway around the world to be with you, why? Because I'm truly deeply unhappy without you.

I feel stupid for being so heavily dependent on one person to make me happy. But its true.

Everyday I'm conscious of a numbness throughout my body, Like I'm living but not feeling. Like I'm watching myself live. But not living my life. I feel nothing. Like in constant state of drunkenness. I'm waiting for this to be over - I want these next 3 months to just be over with. Its horrible without you. So alone.

Driving home tonight I broke 3 laws - Driving drunk, driving after 10pm on a restricted license and my car has no warrant. I couldn't have cared less. I don't like to be so brutally honest but if I had driven my car over a cliff tonight that would have just been okay with me. I hate the thought of wrecking my car though. And if love me as much as you claim to then it would absolutely be the end of you too. I couldn't do that to you. I know you've dabbled in taking your own life before.

To everyone around me I must seem carefree and untroubled. I suppose I'm quite cherry on the outside. My own family suspects nothing, my friends no of nothing - not that I ever see many of my friends much - as mentioned before, they are actually making something of their life.

I think if someone jumps from a bridge, or in front of a train - that they are extremely brave. Accusations of suicidal people being "stupid" is just arrogant I think. Unfair maybe, as suicide never ends pain, it only passes it on to those close family and friends.

Its ridiculous to feel this way over someone, but your absence effects me that much. When people find out my boyfriend is in the army, they all ask how often I get to see you/talk to you etc, when I tell them I get the same reaction from everyone "I don't now how you do it" usually followed by "I start to miss my boyfriend if we don't see each other for a day."... I don't really have a good explanation for "why", I guess I just like you a lot... and to be honest if I wasn't with you I'd 100% have nothing to live for. Sure people say there's plenty of fish in the sea, but I had my time being single, and I didn't enjoy it at all... You're the only one I want to be with. Physically be with. So hurry the fuck up and come home. I want to fall asleep in your arms every night. I want to you to kiss me on the forehead when lay on your chest. I want you to hold my hand as we walk together... I want you back.

I can't let you know this, because via texting just last night you told me you want out. You're not going to quit but you said it's so hard people have left in the first week. Mentally exhausting. I believe you are strong enough to carry on. I know you will. You're awfully determined in everything you do.

12 weeks to go.

Till It Stops

I Am Trying

1 Day Down

I haven't cried for you yet. I say yet because I know it is definitely inevitable, it will become a daily thing soon enough just like last time.

Tonight I feel more down about everything - last night you were texting me, continually letting me know just how much you love me and reassuring me you wouldn't be away for too long - that you will be back in no time at all. I know its breaking you as well, you told me turning your back and walking away from me to get on that plane was one of the hardest things you've done.

I didn't realise just how much I mean to you, you haven't been one to express your self via words really but when you touched down for the 20 minute stop in Wellington, you text me "You know what sucks, I'm so incredibly in love with a girl I cant see."

I sat on the floor tonight wearing your Canterbury track pants which you let me steal one frosty morning. I leaned over a block canvas and tried to progress on a painting that I've been working on for some time. I didn't achieve much, The TV kept distracting me. I get extremely deep in thought whenever I paint, my best work comes from my most depressed moments.

Whenever I lower my head over a project my necklaces dangle under my nose. Your necklace - Which means the world to me, your wore for the three days you were home, but gave it back to me on the trip to airport. My necklace of a petite horse head, Which my Dad got for my 18th. and a new one, A Yin Yang hangs around my neck now - I love what it stands for. Duality, everything is connected to everything else, one cannot not exist without the other. I cannot exist without you.

On a completely different train of thought, I've been reading a blog about a ex-soldier with Combat related PTSD and how its effected him. Iraq and Afghanistan can fuck soldiers mentally. I knew it was common - especially since that suicide link I posted a while back.

You tell me in Christchurch they are preparing not only physically, but mentally they will push you to the limits. What that entirely means I don't really know, but I guess I can't even begin to imagine that horrendous things you might see if you get deployed to places like Afghanistan or East Timor.

You told the NZ Army which is currently defence force, is seriously looking into becoming an attack force.

I still cant get my head around you as a trained killer, I don't see it in you - but to be quite honest that's exactly what they preparing you for. You know how to break someone leg in one swift movement, kill someone with your bare hands, you throw grenades, fire all sorts of weapons, you talk of shooting AK-47's, M-16's etc with excitement in your voice. You enjoy this.

On a serious note your Dad asked you if you could ever kill a person, you replied bluntly "Yeah, If they wanted to kill me"

Hallelujah

Miss You Already

Gone Again

I leaned against the large pane of glass that overlooked the airport runway.

Your small plane to Christchurch with you and 5 other Army boys on it, turned at the end of the runway and accelerated for take off.

The moment of lift off, desolation immediately flooded by entire body. I held it together.

The 3 days had gone way to fast. Only seemed like an hour ago we were leaving Waiouru, I was falling asleep on your cameo print shoulder, holding your green beret in my hand.

Your demeanor so different when you stood confidently in your Army uniform at AARC graduation. You were in the top platoon. You now had badges representing significant achievement. On the collar of the dress uniform you have two swords meaning you are an infantry rifleman.

Back at home on your civi clothes you become the completely unchanged funny guy that I knew would never disappear for too long.

You landed in Christchurch today at about 1pm - in your words "Its rocks" - you have a blunt sense of humor. But it isn't actually that good, its freezing and you informed me via text that its pretty average. I hope you aren't too unhappy there for too long.

13 weeks to go.

Death

You said so yourself - You are just a number to the Army - C1131038 to be exact. They can and will send you away to risk your life. They will send you away to die.

Your Home

I've been staring at this blank screen trying to adequately describe what exactly I'm feeling right now. I've decided I just cant describe it. overwhelming sense of happiness I haven't felt in so long.

In saying that I'm also scared of the future for you, us... mainly you.

You said you could get deployed in as little as 3 months.

Bullshit

Loved and Lost

I've spent the last 10 years of my life trying to forget the sister I had. I say 10 as if I'm rounding, but the truth is I've blocked out so much of her existence that I cant even remember the year she died. I don't wanna take a stab and say 2000 because I shouldn't even be guessing, it should be imprinted on my brain. I deny she ever happened because it hurts too much to remember what I had and lost. Actually scratch that - That's a shit excuse for forgetting someone ever lived. Ignoring the past is not something I should have done. I remember her birthday. 16th February 1998. She died 16th March. A month after her 3rd birthday. I can work out the years if I tried but I feel so appalled at myself for ever forgetting such a significant date. But I live those two days every year as I would every other day, refusing to acknowledge its immense importance. I feel like the most horrible person ever. What the fuck is wrong with me. She has the most beautiful headstone at the cemetery, but what would I know I haven't been there in years and to make matters worse the I drive past the entrance to it every day. The cemetery is less than one kilometer from my house. I'm truly that much of a terrible person.

I have actually blocked out so much of the passed I absolutely do not remember her being alive. I remember snippets, but they are probably only moments that have been captured on home video. Not actual recollections. Its like I've erased her from my memory. I can't however forget that moment I was taken out of school in the middle of class and was driven to the doctors with my sister, I must have been about 8. I still remember mum breathing those dreadful words "Lucy's died".

My memory goes fuzzy after that - But the image of Dad holding her lifeless pale body in his arms with tears running down his face is an image I cant forget no matter how hard I try. And believe me I've tried.

Amazing Grace played at her funeral.

All the years after her death I would hate having a friend over to my house in fear they would see photos of her and ask questions.

To this day I refuse to tell anyone I had another sister.

Her name still, isn't even uttered in the family without an obvious amount of discomfort.

My younger brother, who was born 2 years after the death of Lucy is a whole 10 years younger than me. 90% of people comment on that when they find out. Its a big age gap apparently. However I never feel the need to inform anyone why. I still even now, don't quite have a good lie for the age gap either.

My only Aunty I have is bed ridden and dying - She suffers from some awful rare chronic fatigue disease that no one in the country can help her with. and she cannot not afford the overseas treatment she needs.

I'm such a heartless bitch I can never seem care so much to send her a text. I never know what to say... "Hey, How are you?" well of course she's not well, what a fucked up question. I know I should physically drive over and see her. It hasn't happened yet and I know I will regret it if I don't go soon.

If I never allow myself to get close to anyone else it wont hurt as much to lose them right? Everyone is dying. If I pull myself away now I will never have to go through that staggering amount of grief that truly ruins ones entire life. It fucks it up so bad.

Yes I cracked. I had the mental breakdown I knew I would have eventually. Although I didn't know all this piece of my past would suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks. I know why it did though.

I was baby sitting tonight up a quiet country road. The sort of road you never pass another car on. Well on the way home not only did I pass a car - I almost had a head on collision with it, and I was completely in the wrong. I have a horrendous habit of cutting corners - including blind corners. I only suffered from a fright thanks to my adequate swerving but it could have gone terribly wrong. Then it dawned on me. Who would actually notice if I died right then and there? to be honest I don't think any one would for along time. Hypothetically lets say everyone one in the other car was killed also - only a passer-by would find me, no one would notice me missing. I think I've finally pushed myself as far as I can away from everyone that ever mattered to me.

These days I never seem to see my Dad and when I do its never for more than 5 minutes, and I tend to avoid my Mum, as we just don't really get along peacefully anymore.

The splitting up of my parents a few months ago has driven everyone to go their separate ways.

Maybe no one wants to get close to anyone cause any one could die at any moment.

Its true. I shouldn't turn my back on the people who care. But I do.

If anyone I know ever reads this - Don't ever mention it to me, because A) I wont even remember writing this by the morning and B) This whole novel has been about denial anyway so I'm only going to lie about this touchy subject some more.

Nothing I Can Do About It

Waking Up

I had a dream about last night. Its odd that I remember it because I never remember dreams.

But I did last night, It was one of those strange dreams where you think its %100 real, and you actually have to take a moment when you wake up to realize it didn't actually happen, even though you could have sworn it did. I was with you again - I only remember snippets of the dream but I remember hugging you and I even remember you smelling amazing. Your just one of those guys that always smell so good. Like when your walking down the street and a random guy you don't know at all, walks past and you catch the short breeze of that enticing scent whatever it be - and for the briefest second you almost feel the urge to follow this stranger. You must always be that stranger to other people.

My Spongebob alarm on my phone woke me up and threw me back into harsh reality. I blinked back into my situation - Saddened for a second, but also knowing I'll get to see you in exactly a week.

Live For The Moment

Question Everything

A Bit Shocking

I'm actually a bit dumbfounded at this.

Now go to the full story to see what this photo is all about. Shocking really.

http://www.designboom.com/weblog/cat/10/view/11233/sebastian-errazuriz-american-kills.html

Love Doesn't Hurt

"Everyone says love hurts, but that is not true. Loneliness hurts. Rejection hurts. Losing someone hurts. Envy hurts. Everyone gets these things confused with love. But in reality love is the only thing in this world that covers up all pain and makes someone feel wonderful again."

No Boundries

Holding Your Breath

Every Rose Has Its Thorn

I realize how good I make you sound in this blog - I mean I think you're amazing. But every rose has its thorns right? You certainly do, no doubt about that - and I mean that in the nicest way possible.

I hate that your so competitive - I learned to stay out of your way if you ever lose a tennis match pretty quick smart. The last tennis tournament I was at with you won every game except for your last match against the top seed. You ignored me for a full 20 twenty minutes after the game was over. Silently beating your self up about how supposedly bad you played. Your actually an amazing tennis player and its a rarity for you to ever lose.

I hate how you have a temper - Last year you broke two $500 tennis racquet's out of frustration for losing/ not playing your best, top of range racquets. World number one Rafael Nadal plays with the exact same racquet. Even though your overly aggressive sometimes, it's never toward me.

I hate that you feel the need to get up out of bed as soon as there gets a slight crinkle in the blanket, and remake the bed from scratch

I hate that your always paranoid about me - about me cheating on you. When you know as well as I know that the thought of doing something so obscene never enters my mind. But it plays havoc in the back of your mind, because if it did happen, your so far away and with little contact you could never do anything about it.

I hate that...umm... no I think that's it.

life

Long Distance Love

I Don't Know What It Is About You

I didn't write this - I'm not that creative when it comes to words. But i loved how true this was so I thought I'd repost it.

"I don’t know what it is about you
That makes me catch my breathe every time you look at me
The nerves that make me shake
Being near your body gives mine this magnetic pull towards you.
What it is about you?

I’ve been in love. I’ve been hurt from it, and I’ve felt like floating on a cloud from it.
I’ve been there. I’ve felt crazy feelings before. And I’ve had my share of “crushes” – but this, this is no childish crush.

I never fall for anyone like this. I’m so guarded. Too guarded. With SO many expectations because I learned that’s what will protect me.

I don’t know what it is about you
But I can’t find a flaw.
Because even your flaws to others, just make you an even more beautiful person to me. You are such a REAL person. You have passion in your soul. So gentle and so powerful at the same time. Your humility is stunning. You are truly a man in every sense of the word. You are exactly the kind of person I want in my life.
Is this what it is about you?

Is that what it is that makes me want to knock down every wall I’ve created. I’ll risk it all and never think twice."

Worth It

Home 3 Days, Gone 3 Months

Two weeks from now you will be spending you first night in Christchurch away from me. Ill be lying in my bed where i am now probably wondering how I will ever manage 3 months without you when I barely last 3 weeks with out you by by side.

Home 3 days, gone 3 months - Thats just how it has to be.

Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder

I Have All I Need, Hes Out There Somewhere

Life Isn't A Box Of Fluffy Duckies

I hate you so much right now, I want to hit you. With all my might, I do I really do I cant believe you would do this to me. you said you were coming home on the 29th, you lied, you liar.

Fuck you.

Why would you do something so stupid if you knew you could get punished, and ultimately not be allowed to come home.

And to top it off if on the off chance you do get to come home, its only for 3 days max then your off to Christchurch for 3 months for core training. 3 days - two of which I will be working. Great timing I feel. I'll pull a sickie for sure, but I wish you could be home for at least a week like the original plan.

Its been 3 weeks since I was last with you and its absolute pain already, I know all I do is whine and bitch which is I guess what this entire angry post has been about. You fucking up. I know it will effect you too, I know your pissed off about the whole situation too, but unlike me you wont have to sit in a boring office and thinking about you every second of every minute. You will be constantly busy, far to busy to spare me thought. Sorry that was a unreasonable assumption. I know you miss me, you tell me all the time (well when I get to communicate with you which isn't often at all) but you are actually enjoying Army life. I'm honestly not that content with my average daily routine. Get up, go to work, sit on a computer all day and put on a happy face, come home, ride my horse in the dark - stupid winter (highlight though still) cook myself an average dinner/ go to McDonalds, go to bed. Then repeat, and not a second goes by with out you on my mind. I live a mundane life right now. The most exciting moments are when your letters arrive.

Life is not a box of fluffy duckies when one is in a long distance relationship. Scratch that - A military relationship. Normal long distance you can always call/text/skype/Facebook yours truly with no obstacles of communication to over come. Except perhaps Internet failure. That's a bitch isn't it. I've gone primal and I get immense joy over your monthly letter. Or when you get your phone for half and hour every couple of weeks.

Its not all lovely "Dear John" movie style at all... It's not all "Yay I get to run and jump into the arms of my solider when he returns home - how romantic" No its a lot of frustration, anger and a lot of tears. Yes reuniting and running into your arms again is great but when we are together we are both thinking you will be gone again in X amount of hours.

I love you.

You are worth the wait.

I'm sorry I get angry at you.

I dont really get angry at you.

I get angry and the Army for keeping you from me.

Day and Night

"Day and night

I am always tired.

But at night I stay up just late enough,

until I am exhausted enough

until i can fall into my bed

into immediate slumber.

Because I can't stand

to lie in my bed in a dark room

alone with my thoughts for so many hours."

Auto-Pilot

I feel like I'm just working on auto-pilot today.
Sitting behind my desk typing and talking on the phone with no real conscious of what I'm doing.
Putting on a happy face when someone comes in and chatting on the phone in a cherry voice like I love my job.
The only thing on my mind is the number of days until I can see you again - Army March Out.

Not Cut Out For This

I've retreated to the warmth of bed at pitiful 8.30 tonight.

I feel I cant face anyone at the moment, I cant pretend everything is okay for any longer. Into the seclusion of my lonely bed I go.

The 3 hours and 20 minutes I got to be with you were indescribable - A level of happiness I can honestly say haven't felt in a long time - since I was last with you.

I felt weak at the knees with desire when I saw you marched toward me in a group 30-ish chanting something I didn't quite understand.

I don't think I can even try to explain in any sort of words how it felt to hug you so tight that first time. Utterly amazing. I truly wanted to burst into tears and tell you how I hate not having you around and much I miss you, just how much I suffer without you there for me. I feel I'm really hopeless at thing long distance Army girlfriend thing. I know I am. Anyone who copes fine in a situation like this must be extremely independent and strong. Or they just don't truly care.

Everything about you was so tranquilizing. Your voice, your smell, your touch, your engulfing bear hug...

3 and a half hours flew by, felt like an hour with you. If that.

The goodbye was the hardest part - as suspected I suppose.

I walked back with you alone to your barracks, I remember you said you aren't allowed to display any public affection in the Army base, no holding hands, no kissing etc.

I like that you chose to disobey the rules for probably the first time at that moment. You hugged me tight and kissed me passionately regardless of who was around. Once again I wanted to burst into tears and never let you go. I continually told you I love you and that I missed you already. I had to let you go once again, knowing full well I wasn't going to see you until March Out Day.

I endured a long drive home with your parents trying to hold back my tears and keep it together.

"Im gonna marry you"

Every time I get a text, A little bit of excitement quickly builds up inside me in the off chance It might be you - 90% of the time its not you. Probably 95%. You rarely get your phone I've come to realize.

But tonight you got your phone!

For more than 10 minutes too, You me lots of things like how you now know how to kill people with your bare hands - I'm not sure if I'm ecstatic about that one, In terms of protection from possible rapists - yes. Its defiantly a commendable skill. But if domestic violence ever initiates between us...

Not that It would, I'm just thinking up hypothetical scenarios that aren't even plausible as "possible".

You did inform me tonight though your going to marry me with a simple, straight up "I'm gonna marry you" text. I replied "I'm gonna marry you too".

You told about about your plans to visit Bali next year. A trip for me and you, your mate and his girlfriend. Sounds nice. Defiantly keen, the probability of it happening? I don't know so I won't get too excited yet.

I haven't really informed you of how I might be in Spain next year for 6 - 12 months. Well I have but I know you didn't take it seriously. I'm not sure how u will react when i finalize plans and fly out, it will be an opposite of the usual occurrence of you leaving for the army, i'd be leaving instead - It's what stopping me from going really. You. I wish you could come.

Life Without You

Is is contradictory to say I can't live life without you? when in reality I am without you?

I know no matter how much I try to explain, I just cant quite. But I know you will know what I mean.

Deep down I know your there with with me, even if the physical appearance of you isn't.

In terms of relationship status, technically I am "With someone".

21 Days a year the Army website states is the amount if time I will get to be with you... 21 days of a total 365. Please correct me on that one. That's only 3 weeks if my maths is correct.

I feel like all I do is ultimately complain about the predicament we find ourselves in. But at the end of the day I wouldn't rather be with anyone else. I'm pretty proud to say my boyfriend is in the Army. While it pulls the heart strings a bit when I talk about you - Its impressive.

No matter how many days and nights we are apart. Ill wait for you. I know in the end it will be worth it. The end - What is he end? When does the Army career "end"

Regardless of the questions I don't think I will truly ever know the answer too, none of it matters for when I jump into your arms and you lift me effortlessly off the ground in one dramatic swift motion - nothing matters. Nothing else matters in that moment apart from me and you. The briefest moments like that make anything worthwhile.

I wrote a letter to you. I don't know how long it will take to get to you.

It was suppose to be your turn to reply but through the briefest texting conversation we shared the other night, you said you hadn't had time to reply - Its okay I said I'd write again, you replied with an "I love you"

I love you to.

Distraction

I find distraction is the best thing to keep you off my mind, To keep me from going crazy without you. Ive found my latest distraction in movies - Particular movies though. Kids movies. My best advice to anyone feeling a bit blue - "Despicable Me". Quite possibly the greatest movie of all time. Closely following behind "Horton Hears A Who"
I made the mistake of watching "Dear John" again last night. Thought about you the entire time. Of course. May have cried during that movie.

I get to see you in less than a week.

I'm pretty excited to say the least.

But I know after those few hours with you, I won't get to see you for another month. Then another 3 months after that...and that's as far as a know. I often wonder wear you will be in about 2 years?

Re-living The Moment

I keep replaying over and over again in my head the last hug we shared before you left. The last kiss before you left. letting go of you was unbearable.
I had you and you were here. With me. My head fits snugly in the groove of your neck. You smell unbelievably good - Its torture. I can't bare to let you go. With your hand on the small of my back you hold me tight, your other hand caresses my hair which hangs messily. I remember whispering to you rhetorical questions "why do you have to go?" You simply replied the same answer you say every time "I have to, Babe." I knew you had too. But I will protest for the sake of protesting. To let you know just how much I don't want you to go again.
I stand back and look up to you. You smile back and tell me you love me. I force a smile in attempt to hide my obvious pain. It can't have been very convincing you pull me close to you once again and hug me so tight I can't breath for a moment. But I'm not complaining. Being on the receiving end of your hug is far more important.
You really have to go now. With a final kiss, I turn my back on you and walk away. I don't turn around and wave goodbye, in fear you will see tears forming in my eyes.

You haven't even been gone a week yet and I'm waiting for a letter from you. Seems like I haven't been in contact with you for ages.

I remember laying in bed next to you one of those fortunate four nights you were home, thinking of hypothetical scenarios to make you stay.
"What if I was in some sort of horrific car crash and ended up in a coma with little chance of waking up?"
"I wouldn't go back to the Army - I would stay by your side until you woke up."
"What if they wanted to turn off life support?"
"Wouldnt fucking let them"
I replied sarcastically "...So thats what I have to do."

Dear John Letter

I cracked slightly tonight. Already. Just a little bit.

I visited mum's house to get my mail. Not only did she bitch about everything I do - Apparently I don't seem to be in the best mood. I can't imagine why - maybe because you just left again and are miles away and I cant contact you. Just maybe.

She doesn't understand. She can snuggle her boyfriend by the fireplace whenever she pleases (which might I add she publicly displays their affection on numerous occasions, weather just to boast her happiness or not. who cares. I try to shut it out.)

She doesn't understand I don't go home to hug and kiss you when ever I please. No I go home and write letters to you on an Internet blog. Letters that you will most likely never read.

Before leaving she took the liberty to tell me your Mum thinks I'm going to write you a Dear John letter. I don't think your Mum likes me much. I won't ever write a Dear John letter.

How one could think I was capable - I don't know.

I soon left after that without a goodbye. Angry for no real reason.

"Fast Car" by Tracy Chapman was playing when I turned my car on. I remember that song playing on your iPod as I was lying awake one night with my head on your chest, you were sleeping. I admit I cried a bit on the way home. What about, I'm not sure - Just your absence in general I suppose.

P.S This time a week ago I was fortunate enough to be sleeping in your arms.

Your Necklace

I wear your necklace everyday. Every night. 24/7.
You can't wear your necklace in Army. So i'll wear it instead.
Every time I touch it, or see it around my neck - I think of you.
I twirl it around my fingers as I fall asleep.
I glad to have something to remind me of you. although I'm not entirely sure I needed anymore reminding, necklace or not your always on my mind.

As my mind wanders I try to imagine what your doing at this exact moment in time. Running comes to mind. Or just something physical in general. Something I'd be incapable of. The day you went back you told me you had a 20km run to do the next day. Makes me tired just thinking about it.

I try not to mope around being a real obvious downer. That gets no one no where.
I try to keep busy. Like you are i suppose. Although not that busy. Not running 20km busy.
Busy as in - Ill get my camera out every now and then which no subject to shoot. Just spontaneous shooting.
I brought the horse back into work as that's a full time commitment and it defiantly takes my mind of things. But horses are also frustrating. They make me angry a lot more than they should. Then everything I think of irritates me. Even you - How your left me for the Army. It was a choice. I know your happy there, but how? I'm not always happy here. Your miles away from me. You left me.

Now It's Different

When you left the first time in March - It was bearable. We wern't together, so suppose I assumed this was it and we would both move on. We would have to move on after all you were leaving for the Army. I assumed I really wouldn't ever see much of you again. It hurt to think that. But we wern't together so that's how it was going to be.
Less than a week in and I found myself thinking of you all the time, how one would if there life long partner had left. I had you by my side for the past 18 months as my boyfriend and now you have just disappeared. Regardless of weather we were officially together or not, it didn't matter. I missed you terribly.

The count down until you came home this May was killing me. restless nights thinking of you, daydreaming of the moment I could jump into your arms once again. I knew you felt the same way. Numerous times your letters stipulated that we should be together. I knew you knew I was reluctant though. being and Army girlfriend is a choice not to take lightly. I tried to avoid asking myself the question. I was unsure if i could handle a long distance relationship. I fairly independent, But this long distance would not be a normal long distance. I knew I would go for weeks without zero contact, I knew 90% of the time letter would be the only way to tell you I love you. Letters take time though, and I know you don't get a lot of time to write back straight away. I knew of the pros and cons with being a military girlfriend. The majority being cons. But when you came home for those four days and I once again got to fall asleep in your arms. It didn't matter. I was glad to be your girlfriend again.

You've gone again. But I'm not too sad this time. for I know I will get to see you in two weeks. If anything I'm excited. I will get to see you in your Army uniform for the first time. I'm very much looking forward to it.
I know after these two weeks it will be different though. It will be a long time before I can see you again. How I handle that I dont know. Time will tell.